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UTERIA by BETHANY HENRY GEMMELL

by le4dingl1ght
News
whatleadsyourlight

Uteria, my darling, are you okay? I’m not.

When we first met, I was not expecting you. You could have called ahead. Well – yeah – okay – you did. I just did not know the signs back then. At that time, your existence confused me. By that point, the only explanation for why you were here was that I was becoming a woman. My

God, the agony! As Mum came rushing in with a hot water bottle while I was writhing on her bed, she said, “That’s what you are now, my darling! A woman!” She reaffirms that sentiment when I tell her the contrary. I think she’s now the one confused. The world and she tell me that I am in fact that. They say as long as you exist with me, Uteria, that I will always be a woman. No wonder some men get rid of you.

The thing is, though, I am fine with you here, Uteria. I don’t know a world without your monthly visit. Some people, who are not necessarily women, just menstruate! The idea of my being a woman shredded away year by year since your first visit.

Like an egg in that follicular phase, the notion of my being a man in truth had been developing in the background long before I realised it. It was not yet open nor taking centre-stage, but there it was for at least twelve years. I remember at thirteen not feeling an inherent connection to the labels girl and woman. They were hollow, Uteria. Meaningless. Mere lifeless placeholders.

If I called myself a girl or a woman back then, I was not lying, I was just upholding a myth.

Everyone used to say that there were gods on the mountain top. It was an accepted reality. “You don’t believe there are gods on the mountain top? You must be stupid! You must be confused!”

I bleed, therefore I am. Right?

At the age of twenty-five, Uteria, I climbed that mountain to look. All I saw was just grass and rocks and sky.

Well – unlike how you prepare the womb – there was no soft lining to gently catch me and keep me safe when realisation of my inherent manhood hit me. I did not know the realisation was going to strike me in July 2020 on my bedroom floor. God, it was hard! I cried for an hour. I was told I was a woman but if my being in truth a man felt so right, how come it felt so wrong? I reflected on my history: I used to cry when I wore dresses; I hated being given make-up for gifts; I wanted to play with my brother’s toys.

Thus, Uteria, like the luteal stage, the egg appears. Womanhood breaks away. My feelings of manhood keep developing in the background as I grow. There is cushy lining for those feelings now.

And so, the cycle continues.

—

About Bethany

Bethany Henry Gemmell (they/them) is a London-based Northern educator and writer. In the past couple of years, they have written for the Royal Court Theatre’s Listen Local project, for Wild Forest Theatre’s production Turning Tables which debuted in the 2021 E17 Festival, and for different festivals like One Egg No Batter’s 24-Hour Play challenge and the Playwriting Collective’s Love and Survival production which was held at Tower Theatre. So far, their accomplishments in theatre include: firstly, co-founding Wild Forest Theatre and being one of its artistic directors and, secondly, being recently shortlisted for The Queens of Cups’ New Moon Monologues twice and for Leading Light Collective’s Dear Mother Nature project. Consistently, their writing has been positively received and has amassed keen interest from audiences in workshops and readings. In their writing, they like to play with a multi-media approach to story-telling and they focus on different themes such as autism, relationships between family and friends, growth and self-reflection, true crime and scandal, and the trans experience. When they are not writing, they are painting, playing sports, completing puzzles, finishing their Human Rights Masters degree, and volunteering for charities. They have previously written under Bethany J. Gemmell and Patrick Henry Gemmell and their Twitter handle is: @hengemmell

WHAT LEADS MY LIGHT: ANA

by le4dingl1ght
News, WhatLeadsYourLight?
whatleadsyourlight

 

As an artist I would say that my identity is what drives me creatively. Since I can remember, the experience of being a black woman in this society has always been very overwhelming. The way I learned to deal with this was thought art, using it as a way to translate my vision, experiences and emotions. In fact, that’s one of the reasons why chose a path in arts, because I fell in love with how I could use it to express myself.

 

Being black drives me creatively for so many reasons, because blackness is so complex and there is so much that comes with it. From struggle, to pain, grace, talent or creativity, all these things drive me and inspire me creatively. The current project I’m working on is a photography project titled “Disrupt the Standards”. The aim is to highlight women of colour, through their photographs and their experience on not fitting the European standard of beauty.Usually when I am not creating, I feel that I am swimming against the current of a river, however lately I do not feel as motivated to create. The reasons range from feeling insecure when it comes to my artistic skills, to the current world situation.

 

With the protests happening because of the Black Lives Matter movement I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and my creativity has been all over the place. There are days I want to turn to my creative side and express all the anger I feel constantly, but there’s also days I don’t want to create at all because I feel too overwhelm, anxious and hopeless. But I’ve been learning to breathe and to deal with all of it on my own terms, and that’s what I would advise to my fellow black people. Take your time and remember that the process of healing is not a race. And if you’re a black artist, use your art to cope with all this. Stay safe.

 

Ana

 

WHAT LEADS MY LIGHT: FISKY

by le4dingl1ght
News, WhatLeadsYourLight?
whatleadsyourlight

 

Mind Over Matter is a piece I wrote last year when I got sober after a twenty year battle with depression and addiction.

 

Writing in any form provides me with therapy and has always been the only way I can express myself positively.

 

Mind Over Matter is also the name of the event I run where we discuss mental health though Spoken Word and Hip Hop which I also started after getting sober.  As well as helping others, Mind Over Matter has become my rehab and genuinely keeps me sober.

 

https://www.instagram.com/mindmatterldn

 

Video shot by:

https://www.instagram.com/maxandharryuk/

https://www.instagram.com/triggercrappy/

 

For: https://www.instagram.com/wordofmouth.london/

WHAT LEADS MY LIGHT: NAOMI

by le4dingl1ght
News, WhatLeadsYourLight?
whatleadsyourlight

 

Naomi Knox is an actor, writer and all-round artist.

 

The question ‘What leads your light?’ evoked many emotions. Reminiscing about her childhood and struggles with her own voice, Naomi opens up about what ignites the light in her.

 

 

WHAT LEADS MY LIGHT: MINNIE

by le4dingl1ght
News, WhatLeadsYourLight?
whatleadsyourlight

 

My name is Minnie rai and I go under the title @splitmindpoet on Instagram. I started the account as a way to help myself and many others to voice their unique voice that is uninterrupted on a mental health platform.

 

Confidence is something I have been fighting alongside my mental health battle for over two years. I used to be the most confident girl in my high school, my friends, my teachers and anyone that ever met me. Yet no one noticed how easy it is to lose your confidence due to a series of unfortunate events in life as it is to gain it.

 

I am a prime women of my generation and the gap in our society has been noticed my groups like yours and by independent voices like mine that have had to fight for their corner when the corner has always been their – but we felt little or no confident in that corner, because over time it has taken a long time to get to this stage. Some may argue that perhaps we have fought alongside other women for almost a decade to just get to this platform we have identified in 2018.

 

My poem although a short piece focuses on the idea of detaching from what takes confidence away and how to realign your fears into series of definitions of confidence that we have already surrendered our mind to but we need to start acting on them. The longer we leave it behind, the slowly the path to growth becomes and now is not the time to act that way. We must know what it means to be a woman of today’s generation.

 

 

Sacrifice For Success

by le4dingl1ght
Hannah, News

 

“Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston S. Churchill

 

I think it’s safe to say that when graduating most people hope to get a job in the industry that they’ve just spent £27,000 studying. I was one of these people.  On my graduation day I remember feeling very overwhelmed, turning to my lecturer and saying ‘I don’t know what to do next’. I’d just spent three years of training in Theatre Production, to come out and go into a career of Stage Management or Wardrobe, but I didn’t know if those jobs were what I wanted to do. I knew I wanted Leading Light to succeed but I was also realistic and knew this would not make enough money for me to live off for a long time.

 

Luckily enough a few days later I was offered my first professional job as a dresser at the Theatre Royal in Bath, I felt it was a sign. So I took the job and for the next nine months I was working as a freelance dresser. Although this was great and I was doing a job that my degree trained me for, I knew it just wasn’t right for me. Alongside all of this I was working with Bel preparing Memories We Lost in the Fire for its launch, festivals and scratch nights.  Unfortunately working as a freelance dresser and commuting to work everyday wasn’t quite making me enough money to also support a company.

 

So, I had a tough decision to make. I knew I had to go back to working full time in a job that had a steady income. For me, that was waitressing. When making the decision to go back to the job I did when I was sixteen, to me felt humiliating, I felt as though I was going backwards in my life rather than moving forward.  However as I sit here writing this on the bus on my way to work as a waitress, I see that I’m not going backwards. This sacrifice is a small detour I have to take in order to achieve my dream. Making this detour allowed me to really think about was was best for me and the company. It was at this time that I decided to apply for a Masters in Creative Producing.  Again I had to put a lot of thought into the decision to go back to University, but I have found my niche in Producing so in order to make myself more employable and in a position where I can support our company in the best of my ability. Going back to University is something that puts pressure on the company, although in the long run it will hopefully be beneficial, it means Bel will be left to run things more herself, so we now have to make plans that can support each other in our journeys.  

 

With both Bel and I working almost 40 hours a week in a kids play area or restaurant we then come home and spend any little free time we have working in building our company.  Although it is exhausting, we have to remember and believe that eventually it will all be worth it.

 

I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t be afraid to take these detours and make these sacrifices because sometimes to achieve your dream it has to be done.

 

BELINDA CLARKE - DIRECTOR

The Power of Belinda Clarke

by le4dingl1ght
Belinda, News

 
Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained. – Marie Curie
 
As we celebrate the release of the new website and a great 2018 for our Leading Light family, what better way to keep our drive flowing than to have the confidence to evaluate ourselves. And I guess it’s me first.
 
As an individual (Bel/Blue/B/Queen B), I’ve always tried to mirror the confidence I’ve seen in those around me. However, as a creative (Belinda Clarke), I’m still struggling to truthfully represent myself through my work – which is what I’ve been striving for since the beginning of my personal journey.
 
Ever since I was a teen, I wanted to be an actress – cheesy but extremely true. I mean, there was that random week when I thought that I wanted to change the world by shaping other people’s minds and becoming a teacher. But let’s face it, for the people who didn’t see it as their future, drama was an opportunity to doss for two hours a week. So I’ve combined the two ideas. I want to change the worlds and shape the futures of like-minded people, people who want to gain the confidence to expose themselves through theatre – just like I do.  And with the help of Leading Light, confidence workshops.
 
In January 2017 we created what has now become my entire life, Leading Light Collective – and what an amazing 18 months it has been. Leading Light has given me the confidence to never shy away from what I want. I have had the most amazing support along the way from fellow actors, mentors, family and many more. As an artistic director, it is an amazing feeling to know you have a strong team behind you (i.e my Hannah Blair).
 
Although the thought that always stops me is the opinion of others. Leading from that a question comes to mind. Is Leading Light my safety net, to gain the confidence to fail but to never fail alone?
 
After various thoughts, conversations and arguments with myself (lol that’s not even a joke), I’ve come to the conclusion that the only approval I need is my own. This level of belief in myself can only make my creations stronger. My fear will get weaker which will make my path stronger. Failure is a stage in life we need to push ourselves forward to achieve our goals. It is much easier said than done, I struggle with this outlook. But I also cling to it.
 
At this point you’re most likely thinking – why did Bel even write this blog if she already knew the answer? But in asking myself these questions, I can only hope that I’ve answered them for other people too.
 
Please enjoy our monthly blogs, we want you to know everything happening in our individual minds and Leading Light journey, so stay tuned!
 
Lots of Love
 
B

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